The Lonely Life: My Greatest Fear and Yet it is Where the Lord Calls Me (all of us)

The greatest fear I constantly face while I'm in the seminary studying for the Catholic Priesthood is the fear of loneliness.  Choosing the Catholic Priesthood means choosing a celibate life!  Of course, we associate celibacy with loneliness because it is surrounded by choosing a single life.  Celibacy seems unnatural and undesired.  In all honesty, I too struggle with the idea of celibacy and if called to accept it, celibacy would be a huge sacrifice.  Why do I struggle?  Well, it usually starts with the following questions that arise in my heart: What if I become lonely in my ministry?  What if I fall in love (which I can almost guarantee will happen)?  I then turn to Scripture to build my argument against celibacy even further to match my questions: "It's not good for man to be alone" (Gen 2:18).  Wow, why am I in the seminary and pursuing celibacy again?!?! :)

Then I realize loneliness is not a celibacy issue, it's a human issue.  We all encounter loneliness in a very intense way.   We face times of isolation.  Pope Benedict actually names isolation as the greatest form of poverty in the world. (cf. Charity in Truth, paragraph 53).  We encounter loneliness even when we have the most intimate relationships.  I had a priest share with me a very powerful insight, "You think being single and lonely is tough, think about those who are married and still find themselves lonely even though they have someone inches away from them."

If loneliness is an issue for everyone, then what are we to do?  It seems we can't run away from loneliness, or there is no real answer out there.   I recently came across the following Scripture passage that may give us insight; Matthew 14:13-21.  Jesus just heard about the beheading of St. John the Baptist (a quite disturbing story).  Jesus desires to withdrawal from the crowds because of the death of his cousin, but also the reality that he too would have to face death (cf. Mt 16:21, Jesus announces to his Apostles he too will die shortly afterwards).

It says in Matthew 14:13 that Jesus withdrew to a lonely place.  The only problem is the crowd follows him, with compassion he turns toward the crowd and heals their sick.  What really captures me is in verse 15.  As the day comes to the close, the disciples seeing the crowds try to give advice to the Lord; "This is a lonely place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away into the villages and buy food for themselves."  Jesus responds to his disciples, "you give them something to eat."  The disciples are dumbfounded for they have only 5 loaves and 2 fish, but Jesus reveals a plan that will be the foundation of the Church and give us insight how to face our own loneliness!

Jesus took, blessed, broke, and gave the loaves and fishes to the disciples to then go out to and feed the crowd; over 5,000 were fed!  What does this have to do with anything?   Without going into a full out Scripture study, the feeding of the thousand stories found in all 4 Gospels uses the same language of the Last Supper, and are connected to the same words we use in the Mass!  Do these words sound familiar? "At the time he was betrayed and entered willingly into his passion he took bread and, giving thanks (blessed), broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying "take this, all of you, and eat of it, for this is my Body which will be given up for you.""  If you attend Mass, the words should remind you of the Eucharistic prayer said at most Masses.  If you read the Scriptures, it should remind you St. Paul explaining the instruction he had received from the Lord; 1 Cor 11:23,24.

While the disciples wanted to dismiss the crowd from the lonely place to go back into the world, the Lord wanted them to do what?  He wanted the crowd to remain in the lonely place with Him so that he could fill their hunger!  He wanted to fill their loneliness!  With what?  With ordinary bread?  No, he wanted to fill them with the Bread from Heaven.  He wanted to fill them with Himself!!!

What a beautiful reality to the solution of loneliness: Jesus Christ draws us to a lonely place.  It is there that turns toward us with compassion and heals us.  It there he feeds us and fulfills us.  Even though we ourselves look elsewhere to be fed, only Jesus Christ through the Church, built on the foundation of the Apostles, can truly feed us with the bread from heaven; the Eucharist!  (Note that after he takes, blesses it, breaks the loaves, he gives it to the disciples to distribute)

Do I still get lonely in the seminary?  Yes!  Do I still struggle and desire to leave this lonely place I constantly find myself in?  Yes!  But I'm reminded, it is not in the world that my hungers and desires are fulfilled!  It actually in this lonely place the Lord draws me, has compassion toward me, and heals me. It is in the lonely place where the Lord feeds me, nourish me, and gives me Himself! Next time you feel lonely don't try to run away from it with worldly things or distractions; go to the Lord in prayer, read the Scriptures, and if all possible, go to Mass!